


I Always Wondered (if we could have been something)

by findmethestars (Atunenamedclara)



Series: Swanqueen Week Winter 2017 [3]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Student AU, day three, medical AU, swanqueen week, unresolved love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-31
Updated: 2017-01-31
Packaged: 2018-09-21 05:02:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9532625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atunenamedclara/pseuds/findmethestars
Summary: An accidental heart to heart and confession of feelings during a late night study session may lead to Emma and Regina examining eight years of friendship in a new light





	

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicating this fic to Allison Cameron, my favourite TV Doctor. Any tiny amount of medical information in here is owed solely to her and my continuous rewatching of House.  
> Fic title is taken from Idina Menzel's Extraordinary.

Emma Swan groaned dramatically and buried her head in her hands "Regina I caaaaan't!"  
The short haired brunette looked up from the sheet of notes she was studying and pushed her oversized glasses up her nose.  
"Can't what?" She smiled in sympathy, taking in Emma's appearance, the bags under her eyes and unwashed hair paying testament to the many sleepless nights they had shared over the past week as their final exams loomed closer by the day.  
"Can't...can't everything!" She wailed, gesturing wildly at the pile of textbooks, notes and print outs she had spread around her on the floor "I don't want to be a doctor anymore! I want to...I want to just buy a farm and look after sheep!"  
Regina laughed and pushed aside her folder, scooting closer to Emma who lay her head despondently on her lap "So that's it Emma? You're going to throw away four years of pre-med, four years of medical school and months worth of placement to go and...be a shepherd?"  
"Yeah!" Emma pouted.  
"Mmm...you know, I think you may be suffering from stress induced psychosis. Tea break?"  
Regina stood up, stretching out the knots in her back, stiff from sitting for so long.

She smirked to herself as she felt Emma's eyes follow her, lingering on the way her black tee clung to her, highlighting her curves and stopping mere inches short of where her grey sweatpants began.  
Then, she turned on her heel and left the room, leaving the overworked blonde to follow after her meekly.

\---------- ---------- ----------

Emma and Regina had met in their first week of pre-med after Emma had accidentally spilt the entire contents of her water bottle down the front of her shirt in the middle of their first lecture. Regina had given her the spare sweater she had been carrying around, and from that day onwards they could be seen everywhere together. Whether it was Emma comforting Regina after her father's heart attack in their second year, or Regina staying up until 4am every night to help Emma catch up on study after missing three weeks of school due to the flu six months before college graduation, everybody knew that if you could find one of them then the other wouldn't be far behind.

And now, with mere weeks left until they finally received their degrees and job offers, Emma and Regina were in full on study mode as they tried to cram as much into their heads as they could for their final exams.  
But even for the most diligent of students, ten hours of consistent study can take it's toll, and Emma seemed dangerously near to breaking down and giving up entirely.

"Come on, woman!" Regina called from the kitchen as she poured water into a set of mismatched mugs. Muttering and shuffling sounded behind her, and some none too quiet cursing followed as Emma tripped over a pile of precariously stacked books.

Eventually she found her way into the kitchen and jumped up onto the countertop as Regina handed her a mug.  
"Thanks" she muttered, blowing on it gently as she waited for it to cool.

Almost unconsciously, Regina raked her eyes appreciatively over Emma's body. Whilst the stress of school might have been getting to her and she certainly wasn't eating right and was surviving on half the normal amount of sleep, she still had a toned, lean look to her which Regina had always appreciated to no end.

It was no secret to either of the girls that the other was out and proud. They made numerous appearances at Pride events together, wrote for LGBT blogs and magazines, and each had a giant rainbow flag stuck onto the walls of their respective bedrooms. But whilst their close friendship had been at the butt of many a nasty rumour over the years, neither had ever dared to make a move on the other.

Regina had watched helplessly as Emma had fallen into a pattern of one night stands shortly after her acceptance into Medical School. She had tried to support the blonde as she used woman after woman as a way of escaping the stress of her daily life, but had ultimately failed and had to watch Emma crash one night, sobbing into the early hours of the morning as she realised what a mess she was making of her life. Since then, she had had a string of casual relationships, none lasting for more than three months at a time. But she seemed happy, and often spoke about how she didn't believe long term relationships were a feasible option in today's world.

Meanwhile, Emma had watched Regina go through two breakups, each more painful than the last. One had been with her high school sweetheart Daniel, who had sworn he loved her and then disappeared without more than a hastily written text after Regina had worked up the courage to come out to him as bi. The second had been the end of a two year relationship with a tall intimidating blonde woman in their Monday morning lecture. Regina had been sure that this was the one for her and Mal had echoed the same sentiment many times, but that didn't count for much when a mutual friend let slip that Mal was cheating on her with Cruella Ville, a rich older woman from New York City.  
Regina had sworn up and down that relationships weren't for her, and hadn't even gone on so much as a casual date in over two years.

Neither woman seemed to need much apart from each other. Some would call this unhealthy, obsessive even, but in reality it was anything but.

\---------- ----------- ----------

"So..." Emma began after a few minutes, placing her mug onto the countertop, pretending that she didn't see Regina flinch as she neglected to use a coaster "back to work..?"  
Regina sighed and drained the last of her drink "I suppose. But you can sleep, Emma, if you're not going to accomplish anything else tonight. Running on no sleep is completely detrimental to your work ethic, not to mention your health."  
"I know, I know" Emma sighed "I'm just gonna review one more chapter and then I'll crash. Gotta be up early to submit my final placement files"  
Regina grimaced sympathetically "Just...take care of yourself, ok?"  
Emma hopped off the counter and made her way back to Regina's room, ready to drown herself in notes once more.

About 45 minutes into her work session, Regina was dragged out of her deep concentration by the sound of sniffing to her left. Concerned, she looked up to see Emma sitting motionlessly, eyes trained on her textbook as tears rolled down her face.

"Emma?" She asked cautiously. No response.  
"Emma!" She asked again, and stood up to walk over to her "Emma what's wrong?!"  
Emma looked up at her with red rimmed eyes but didn't answer. In response, Regina sat down and pulled her close, holding her as she rubbed her back.  
Emma buried her face in Regina's hair, shoulders shaking gently as she cried. Regina felt her eyes grow heavy as she sat with her, the silence and the sitting without doing anything finally making her realise just how tired she was. Finally, just as she felt herself beginning to fall asleep, Emma sat up and pushed her hair out of her eyes.  
"Sorry" she muttered, not looking up to meet Regina's eyes.  
"Don't apologise Emma, you have nothing to apologise for, but just tell me what's wrong?"  
"Nothing I just...I guess everything just...hit me"  
"Everything, as in..?"  
Emma's shoulders slumped and her lips tightened into a thin line, a sight painfully familiar to Regina. It meant that Emma was closing in on herself and trying to block everyone out.  
"This isn't about work...is it?"  
Emma shrugged and said nothing.

"Because I know you, Emma" Regina continued "and I know what you're like when you get stressed about your work. You shout and you snap and you make idiotic jokes until everyone in a ten mile radius wants to throw their textbooks at your head. But you don't cry. In all the years I've known you, I've never seen you cry about your work. So what is it?"

Emma took a breath, opened her mouth and then closed it again, looking for all intents and purposes like a fish out of water. her eyes were wide and frightened as she tried to open herself up to Regina, the only person she really, truly trusted.

"You can tell me anything Emma. I promise" Regina coaxed her gently, her voice soft and understanding.  
"I just..." she whispered brokenly "I just don't want this to be over"  
Regina looked at her, confused "you don't want what to be over?"  
Emma gestured helplessly around her , frustration replacing the sadness in her eyes  
"This! Us! I don't want us to be over! After graduation...who knows what will happen! You'll probably get a fancy specialisation job in a top hospital and I'll go to a research lab and that's fine, that's great, it's what I want! But will I ever even see you anymore?!

"It's been eight years of just us, me and you, years of exams and placement and stupid drunk freshmen parties and that time you vomited all over your own hair and your mom came round the next morning and found you passed out on your couch! I don't want that to be over!"  
Emma was breathing fast as she spoke, getting louder and louder as the words poured out of her. Now that she'd started she couldn't seem to stop.

"And...I don't want us to just become memories for each other of college roommates and revision partners and late night drinking buddies! I don't want to leave without saying that I..."  
Emma trailed off and placed a hand over her mouth as she realised what she had been about to tell Regina. But Regina didn't seem to notice as she gently turned Emma's head to face her, forcing her to look at her in the eye.  
"Emma, do you really think that I'm going to let eight years of friendship go down the drain because we're going to have different jobs?!"  
Emma shrugged.  
"Well frankly I'm a bit insulted Emma. You really value this...us...so little that you think it's something we can just leave behind because we might be living in different states?!"

"That's not what I'm SAYING Regina!"

Regina cocked her head to the side and arched a careful brow "then what exactly are you saying, because right now I do not understand, and if you're not willing to explain, I have revision to do so..."  
"No! Don't do that Regina! Don't use your sarcasm on me because you don't understand what I'm trying to say. You really think that's going to work on me?!  
Regina had the grace to look shamefaced as she nodded for Emma to continue.

"Regina...I've known you for eight years and I've spent eight years being scared of...I don't know, I suppose of ever hoping for something more. I suppose I thought it was selfish, maybe greedy of me to ever expect anything more than friendship from you. But now all I can think about is how I've wasted eight years. I could have told you that I wanted to go out with you on that first day, when you leant me your sweater, I could have said something.

"Heck it's not like I didn't know you were gay, is it? You had pride pins all over your pencil case. And then I discovered that you weren't even single, so I figured friendship would be more than enough. And then even when you broke up with Daniel and you were single for years before Mal, I just...I didn't want to ruin everything!"

Regina stared at Emma, open mouthed and wide eyed as the blonde spoke, urgent words tumbling out, one on top the other as she said everything she had wanted to say for so damn long now.  
She didn't respond, she didn't know what to say. So she just listened as Emma continued.

"...And then you met her! Mal! God I _hated_ her, except she made you so happy so I loved her because you loved her too. But then when I was alone in bed at night all I could think of was you but I could never _have_ you, so I tried to find someone else, anyone else, just so that I wouldn't have to be alone all night and see your face every time I closed my eyes. It killed me Regina!"  
"Emma I didn't..."  
"I'm not DONE Regina!"  
Regina held her hands up in a silent apology and allowed Emma to continue. The usually cool and collected blonde very rarely got this worked up, and when she did the best thing was usually just to let her get it all out in one large explosive rant.  
"Do you know how much it killed me when Mal cheated on you Regina?! I didn't understand how she could do that to you, why she would WANT to give you up for that...that snake! And then I thought if I just waited, if I just let you heal you might actually look at me as more than just a friend but you still didn't! People spread rumours about us, they mocked us, they thought we must be a couple but even then you still didn't see the way I look at you every single time I speak to you! And I was scared, I was so scared to say anything but now, in a month you'll be moving away to start your dream job and I'll be staying here to find mine and it will be over, it will all be over!"

Emma broke down, tears streaming down her face as her shoulders heaved with unrestrained sobs. Regina looked at her with horror. Not because she was disgusted by what Emma was saying, she would never be that cruel. But because she was running through all their conversations over the years, all the drunken phone calls, the afternoons in the library, and the late nights in bed. Emma had always been dropping hints. Half finished sentences, vague "what if..." queries,  
and cryptic comments about how close they were. And Regina, always so logical and analytical, had pushed them away, told herself she must have been overthinking. Because there was no way Emma felt what she felt for Emma. Or at least, that's what she had been telling herself. It seemed like she had a few things to rethink.

"Emma" she said gently.  
Emma looked up at her, puffy cheeked and red eyed. She looked tired, so tired, and Regina felt her heart ache at the obvious anguish the blonde had been going through, on top of her medical exam worries.

She pulled Emma close to her and closed her eyes. Leaning in to her, she could feel Emma's breath on her lips, warm and sweet, cinnamon tinted. She pressed her lips against her, gently, so gently. They stayed that way for a few seconds, Emma wrapped in Regina's embrace, her hands finding their way to Regina's hair, fingers threaded lightly through deep brown strands.  
Regina pulled away, but before Emma could protest, she placed a kiss gently on her temple, and another on her cheek. Emma leaned into her, positioning herself so she was lying in Regina's lap, staring up at the brunette's wonderstruck face.

"What was that for?" She whispered, her voice full of love, gentle and playful, despite the tension.  
"A promise for the future" Regina answered throatily.

And as they looked around the room at 2am that Tuesday, at the papers strewn across the floor, the textbooks piled near the edge of the bed and the small stack of job applications on Regina's desk, both of them realised that maybe the months following graduation wouldn't be so terrible after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to like and review, it really means a lot to me when you do!  
> And come say hi over on twitter, @findmethestars!  
> See you tomorrow, soulmate AU was a real fun one to write!  
> Xx


End file.
